A celebration of midlife marriage

It seems that St Valentine isn’t the patron saint of spring chickens alone. When Christabel Bradley recently told The Tonic about her experience of mid-life marriage, we had a fabulous response from readers sharing their own stories of finding true love later in life.

Not for nothing did German psychologist Erich Fromm declare: ‘Immature love says “I love you because I need you”. Mature love says “I need you because I love you”.’

Later-life brides have learnt what grown-up commitment means. Rather than obsessing over seating plans and how best to tie the sugared almonds, they want to enjoy every moment with cherished family and the friends who’ve stuck with them half a lifetime. They know what really matters and have confidence in their choices.

When you marry at our stage of life, you have nothing to prove and no unrealistic expectations.

So you forgot to take the rings to the register office? Don’t have a hissy fit, just laugh and borrow someone else’s. Want blue nails for your ‘something blue’, like Clare Coffey, below? Cool.

Here  are some of the real-life romances that prove that love, like a trust fund, has to mature before you can reap the full benefit.

 

Clare Coffey, 58, and her new husband Brian, 56, are proof that love doesn’t belong exclusively to the young

‘We married last year, on the day after the Brexit referendum. Waking up to the news that Britain had voted to leave came as a shock, but it didn’t spoil anything and at least my husband Brian, 56, and I had voted the same way!

He’s a nurse, I work for the civil service, and our wedding was a mix of traditional and modern. We’d both had church weddings first time around, but this time we chose Dunstable Register Office near our Bedfordshire home. It’s a lovely building and we didn’t mind the view of Asda, because it meant there was plenty of cheap parking.

When you marry at our stage of life, you have nothing to prove and no unrealistic expectations. All we wanted was to celebrate our joy in finding each other. We’re proof!

We had rings made, but I forgot to take them, so we had to borrow my sister-in-law’s. My son gave me away and my daughters were bridesmaids, in blue dresses to match my blue nails. Along with Brian’s sons, they were thankful to see us settled and happy.

We have many pressures with kids, ageing parents and how we’ll afford retirement, but when you’ve been round the block with relationships. you learn the value of honesty, trust and communication.

We’ve comfortable in our own skins – and together. That’s a true blessing.’

 

Christine Chatfield, 57, married Gary, 53, in a register office in Twickenham last June

‘I was married at 18 and divorced by 23, while Gary had never been married before. He went down on one knee in a restaurant on Christmas Day and when I said yes, we got a round of applause from other diners.

I am a semi-retired dance teacher and run a belly-dancing business, so at the reception in our favourite Spanish restaurant, two of my friends belly-danced and lots of our guests joined in. It was an amazing day and well worth the very large credit card bill that still needs to be paid.

We have three grown-up daughters between us and they were all happy we tied the knot.

One of the best things about marrying later in life is that your relationship isn’t put under the strain of raising kids. You’re also more established in your work and know what you want from life.

Gary and I are both into fitness, music, art and photography, but we have separate hobbies as well, which is important.

We know how to work as a team. He tells me that if I’m happy, he’s happy. That works well for me!’

He tells me that if I’m happy, he’s happy. That works well for me!

Carolyn Wood, 50, has arranged over 350 weddings through work, so when she married Phillip, 56, last October, she knew exactly what she wanted

‘I run Danby Castle, a wedding venue in North Yorkshire, and wanted our wedding to be completely different to anything I’d organised before. Male guests were in black tie, all the ladies were in little black dresses, and I wore red. We turned the newly-renovated barn into a 1950s’ jazz club and had our rings flown in by an owl.

Phillip hadn’t been married before, but his grown-up kids were really welcoming to me. My four from before were delighted for us and my youngest, Oscar, even declared that our wedding was the best day of his life, except for when he got his new computer.

Phillip, who’s retired, proposed at the Empire State Building in New York on my 49th birthday. He’d arranged for us to have the very top to ourselves and as we were looking at the view, went down on one knee. It was hugely romantic and I burst into tears. He teases me now that he was only on the floor looking for a coin he’d dropped.

Getting married later in life is wonderful, because you’re better at focusing on what you really want. ‘

 

Friends still refer to Will and Val Holman’s poignant, picturesque day as the ‘best wedding ever’

‘Will, then 46, proposed after we’d been to see Coldplay in Paris. I was starving and desperate for chips, so I couldn’t work out why he was dragging me to Montmartre. We were still having a row when he popped the question, though I obviously said yes.

Neither of us had wanted to get married until we met each other and for me, at 41, it felt 100% right. I’m a social worker, he’s a journalist, and while our budget was limited, we knew where our priorities lay.

We wanted our wedding to be not just a celebration of our love, but of everyone else we loved too.

Sadly, Will had lost both his parents in the past 18 months and we asked the wonderful vicar who’d buried them to take our service. The church was in the ruins of a castle at the mouth of the river Dart in Dartmouth, close to the village of Stoke Fleming, where Will had grown up.

My bridesmaids and I arrived by the rowing-boat ferry. It was so romantic, people said it was Disneyesque.

All our friends from the village played a part in our village-hall reception. Our photographer friend gave us the pictures, another made confetti from petals she’d picked herself, two cooked the giant paella, another made brownies and millionaire’s shortbread for pudding and the pub donated a barrel of beer.

The wedding was healing for Will’s kids, who’d had the inevitable divided loyalties, while my 21-year-old son accepted him from the start.

Our 100 guests were our ‘chosen family’, who’d seen us through previous sorrows, split-ups and singledom, and seeing them eating, drinking and laughing was all we’d wished for.

Will got his band back together for the first time in years and our first dance was to his parents’ favourite song, Frank Sinatra’s Young At Heart.  ‘Fairy tales can come true, it can happen to you, if you’re young at heart…’ the lyrics summed up our story to perfection.

 


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  • i got married last year aged 52, my husband is 59. I was married 31st october by a vampire, with everyone in costume including us. it was great fun and everyone said it was the best wedding they’d been to in years, none of that what shall i wear, will i clash with the bride, do i need to coordinate with the groom……… we even had skeletons on our cake!!

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Christabel Bradley

A former magazine editor, Christabel is now a freelance writer...

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